Spending time away from darling Mary J. has brought great perspective to who I am in her absence. And the answer is: not that much different at all during social interaction. Mary played a great part in my solitary life though. When I’m alone, I like the width of the world to extend only to the confines of my body and the occasional ancillary leap to wherever my imagination takes me.

I’ve realized that the ascent has its place. There are valuable thoughts I just wouldn’t have thought when sober and vice versa. And the most valuable part of a person is their thoughts. To now have access to an adjacent but otherwise inaccessible realm of magnificent thoughts is to rob myself of my own experience. This obviously has its limits to only this medicinal leaf, but as taboo as the act is, especially in my family, I have come to the profound realization that it simply has its place. I am not to be elevated every moment of every day. It is VITAL to have the clarity and lucidity of sobriety, but the influence has its place atleast with me. I can’t say for sure others use it as...developmentally as I do, but I am no longer ashamed of the act. If anything, I find the ceremony of smoking quite cathartic and, honestly, mystifying. Preparing ones own pleasure beforehand to simply partake in a communion with self, to explore the reaches of ones own imagination and curiosity in a rush is just...unmatched to some degree. Pulling the flame deeper into the brown blanket, knocking off the burnt remains, dragging until this moment you prepared has dwindled down to half its size, then a quarter, then the length of an abhorrent insect, and then to sliver that burns the tips of fingers; the whole experience really is quite...poetic. lol.

But today, on my 48th hour away, I realized at work that life and joyous sobriety summons its own exuberance. A “high” some might say. I am unbelievably thankful for this hiatus; I might just need to take more of them.